*Editor's note: Stef is late in reporting his experience at Selhurst Park on Monday evening because he has spent the last two days stuck at roadworks in The Blackwall Tunnel.
When Jesus invented time two thousand years ago at his birth, even the Messiah couldn't have envisaged humanity using their precious time on earth in such wasteful ways. He didn't die so that millionaire footballers could be given petty punishments by eager officials and beaurocrats for the slightest hesitance when taking a throw in.
Earlier, walking towards the ground, the familiar sounds of "half'n'half scarves", "spare tickets for the game" and "buy or sell" fill the air. An investigation by a well-known media outlet revealed that the half'n'half scarf sellers and the ticket touts are all being used by football's deep state to create division between football fans. The thinking is that, not only do casual or tourist fans generate revenue by buying the scarves or over-priced tickets but old school football fans, so angered by these practises, will rant online. Said rants will be liked and shared. This engagement will then add value to advertising on social media platforms. When asked if this was the case, one half'n'half scarf seller said, "you what, mate?" Not a denial! The Gonzo Gooner can only conclude that these are highly trained individuals, experts at withstanding interrogation. Probably ex-military.
Entering Crystal Palace's ground must be how it feels to be cattle herded towards their slaughter: red brick, claustrophobic, the smell of urine. At the moment though, Arsenal's away end is the hottest ticket in town. Fans are desperate to be exploited so they can spend 90 minutes barely being able to see the game. Some are trying to go in two by two through the turnstiles. They are wasting their time. Police officers who wish they'd been born a generation or two earlier so they could crack coal miners' skulls are soon on the case, wrapping heads in locks and twisting arms behind backs before frog-marching out the spotty little urchins.
The away end is packed. The lack of stewarding means gooners are pouring down the aisles towards the pitch side. Some rows have 3 to a seat. Many can't see because the roof is so low and still, in the 21st century, pillars block many a fans' view. Who cares though? Being in the away end is about much more than the football. It's about constantly singing the same 3 songs over and over and over again. It's about filming set pieces on your phone ready to post online later and attract followers in far flung places like Sokoto. It's about escaping the repetitive cycle of the everyday grind by creating a repetitive cycle that borders on obsession and superstition; same route, same parking, same shirt, same pub, same food...
Arsenal toil before taking the lead through an Odegaard penalty in the 53rd minute. "1-nil to The Arsenal rings out." Then, in a further flashback to Arsenal history, we have a player sent off (like Wenger's Arsenal often did) and then dig in with a backs-to-the-wall performance; ending the game with nine (9!) defensive players on the pitch (like George Graham's Arsenal used to do). Relieving, defiant and enjoyable performance aside, yet again the main focus after the game is the performance of the referees. It must be a good job (constant abuse and scrutiny aside): decent money, travel, every other weekend off, relocation package to the greater Manchester area.
If the powers that be think that football fans are bothered by a couple of seconds wasted on throw-ins instead of the even application of laws, they are mistaken. Yes, players feigning injury, goalkeepers dallying over goal kicks, players shuffling off the pitch like zombies is frustrating but just add the time on! Football's deep state is yet again creating click bait and divisive culture wars which spark online rage and fury, attracting more traffic and again increasing advertising revenue. In writing about the ridiculous decisions during this game, this article itself has become a self-fulfilling prophecy of rage and fury. We are slaves to football's capitalism that charges extortionate amounts to attend games, to watch them at home, to buy the replica shirts, to debate them online, to click on the bait!
Still, Arsenal fans walked away from Selhurst Park, between the terraced houses, relieved and proud of their team's efforts. Hopefully, it's the first of many outings this season of "1-nil to the Arsenal."